Sunday, 30 July 2017


Hello beauties,

I'm sure that we all know what a semi colon are.  Some of you might have spotted that some people have a tattoo on them or have even painted their nails with this symbol on it.

PIC: Semicolon sign

Your LIFE matters


If you have a friend that suffer from depression. Just be there for her. if she wants to talk JUST LISTEN, nothing else.  She needs someone that she can TRUST completely without hearing comments like "Oh here we go again" or in Afrikaans some  would say "Ruk jouself reg! It doesn't work like that!  Do you really think that she wants to feel like that? Believe me no one want to live this way. The keyword here are LISTEN

PIC: You matter

I remember some days it felt to me that nothing matters anymore!  Why am i still living!? My life felt meaningless and some day's i wanted to give up on living. In Afrikaans we would say it's the "swart gat" (dark days) that wouldn't have mind at all if i would die, the only thing that kept me going was my Mother, because i didn't want her to live with that grieve of losing me.

I have heard many people that have ended there life (selfmoord) and i have envied them that they had the guts of going though it.

PIC: You are enough

Remember that you are enough.  During this period of time you think that you aren't enough, but i want to tell you that you are! You are going to experience some days that you aren't and that you have to be better.

Be there for her/him day or night and mean it! Don't just say it. Be there for her doesn't matter WHAT TIME of the day she called or have message you.

PIC: You are never a burden

Be that friend that she needs right now and tell her this.  I remember that i wanted to be ALONE most of the time and have avoided people at times, since i have felt that I'm not worthy to be in there presence and that I'm a burden to them.

Give her hugs that would mean the world to her or him.

PIC: I know this is hard, but i wont give up on you

Don't give up on your friend! Friendships are rare these days sometimes i wonder if these relationships aren't getting on the list of extinctions. 

  • Take a short walk around the block with your dog or if you don't have a dog ask your neighbour.  I know plenty of people that have dogs, but they neglect taking there dogs for walks so i'm think they would be glad that you would offer you time.  Dogs are one of the best companionship's that you could have and this walk would do good for both of you! 
  • Watch a movie on YouTube or read a good book. 
  • Colour in or paint. even if it's just for 5 - 10 minutes in the beginning it's a start. 
Be patient with yourself it took years to get here so don't expect that you would have a new"normal" life soon. 

Some of you may have noticed that i wasn't much on Social Media, especially on the blogging scene.
The reason for this are that i would see what everybody else are doing and that would make me feel worse! I mean are those pictures that people post on SM real!? I hardly see that people post stuff of what they are really feeling! Could their lives be so perfect of eating out, going to the movies, or enjoying time with their friends, don't they ever experience time where you feel like your life are falling apart and you just want to scream or cry anything at all? I couldn't handle that...lately it felt that life handed me paint colours that would be so dark to paint with, i want some blue and yellow and maybe a little green with, but it felt mostly like brown, grey and black was in my palette.

For those that are reading here right now may know that i have depression. I don't blame any of you my dear readers if you have decided not to follow me anymore.  It's okay with me.

This post will be hard for me to write and i will probably  use many tissues in the process, but i have felt that i need to do this.  In some way it's a way to handle this and therapeutic to me and to give you some idea of what it is to have a mental illness like depression, but i also want to tell you not everyone will have the same feeling like me.

For those of you that are new here, welcome! I'm Leanie and i mostly blog about beauty related stuff. Products that i really enjoy using or products that i find are a real bargain on our budgets these days. I'm sure that not many of us don't want to hear depressing stories, but i wanted to get the word out and share my experience with you.

To be completely honest at first i didn't want to write this post, since it's definitely not easy to write about this at all, but to inform you that everyone can have depression or you may know someone that have depression.

Depression is a mental illness, but it's not something that just happens over night.  For me it have happen over many years.  I'm one of those people that are the peacemaker in the house and you can say the cherry on the top or the big explosion have happen'd during my teaching practice that I've done at a cross-over school in 2007.

During that time i just couldn't cope anymore!  I've neglected my studies.  My sleeping patterns have changed.  I slept during the day and during the night i would stay awake and tossed around in my bed.  I didn't had any interest in things that i used to love like watching television or going with my Mom when she visit my Aunt.  I hardly went out my room, except for the toilet. Furthermore everything was just a big emptiness for me.

At some point i just had that feeling that i had to log into my PC. I've checked my e-mails and one of them was from a friend of mine (we aren't friends anymore) and she have invited my to a chatting site and she told me it's a lovely place to talk to people etc.  She didn't inform me what kind of site and neither did i ask her, but i have checked the site out and it looked all right and i have chatted to some people on the platform. Don't ask me know what the site are called, since i can't remember. Only later on have i discovered it was a dating site (blush) if i have know it was such a online platform i wouldn't even have registered, but maybe it was a good thing that i didn't know beforehand and that i didn't picked it up when i have used the site.

I cant remember who have left the first message, but one of the question that he asked me was "Are you a Christian?" Never in my entire life have someone asked me that ever! Most people would think that i was a Christian, since i have attendant Sunday School, went to church, my parents was involved with church activities at that time and some of my school friends also new that, since i was also Christian Union leader and i also remember the first day our Christian Union Minster that given us guidance ask me if  *Kevin was my Uncle? They have both studied together at varsity to be a Minister.

Everybody have turned their heads to me. I have just hope that the earth would open up so that i could go in that whole! I just nodded with my head, but the truth was he was actually my cousin. So that when they looked at me it felt like yeah "PK" !

To the question that i was asked I didn't replied immediately back. I have stared at my computer screen and thinking...... Then it's just that i had that feeling talk the truth. If he doesn't want to be your friend, so what!? On the other hand i want to have a friend so bad at that time, since i felt so alone! I just told him that "I'm not sure, yes i do go to church etc" *JC replied back to me and said: "I don't always realize this, but i just want to tell you that Jesus loves you" he have also left me he's cell number if i want to SMS him.

I thought to myself why does he want to chat to me!?  I'm not a Christian at all.  Later that evening when i went to bed i just couldn't sleep at all. Just that sentence "Jesus loves you" kept playing in my head,over and over! I couldn't stand it anymore and i just had to climb out and went on my knees and prayed to Jesus and i could feel that everything have felt SO GREAT!  I was truly happy like EVER!

I felt alive and i was so in love with life that i felt that i could handle anything that life would throw at me, since i know and felt that Jesus was with me.  This feeling of happiness was so overwhelming for me and i would have shouted His name from the Mountains for all that i cared, i want everyone to know what a great and awesome God we have!!

In 2008 when the holidays was a thing of the past and the academic year have started slowly, but surely i didn't had that "me time" that i have talked to Jesus and later my life had crumbled down on me slowly, but surely. I know that at Varsity we had access to a  psychologist.  I have walked to that building many times for Drama classes and he's office was just up the stairs, but i just couldn't get the courage to go. I thought to myself. What the heck are wrong with me i also study psychology, it's part of my curriculum. So i don't really need someone to talk to.  I know more or less the questions that would be asked etc. But to think back i realize know, that i should have made the effort to TAKE THE LEAP and made an appointment. I think that life would have turned out better at some areas at least.


During 2010 my entire life have changed! I could cope at all with being a teacher, since the entire staff was against me ( they wanted me gone, since i was the only white teacher so they have made it extremely hard for me that i just had to resign) All my goals and dream are crushed!

I wanted to be a teacher, since i was still a little girl. My Grade 1 teacher have inspired me so much. She was one of the many teacher's why i wanted to be a teacher in the first place, but honestly i'm not looking back to a teaching career. I'm amazed that i could have lasted two terms in that environment!

No one knows of this, but there was some days that i had thought of ending my life.  I have searched on the Internet what are the easy way out, but all of them consist of things that i just could do and i thought well I know in life you need to inhale oxygen so just don't breathe - easy right! I failed this test.


I have some good and bad days. Not all the days are the same. I have realized that i must take time to do things that i enjoy even if it's just to walk in our garden to take some photo's.  That's another hobby that i really enjoy. Taking photo's especially flowers. Maybe i must created a blog that are geared towards photography?  i'm not sure time would tell.

Having depression aren't a walk in the park, some days it feels like a walk in the Jurassic Park for me. I struggle daily just to do the normal things like getting out of bed, mostly i like to sleep late in the morning and i would stay up late, sometimes i wont eat, then there would be times that i just want to eat like a lot. To the outside i would put up a brave face like i have everything under control, but underneath my 'mask' i don't have it together.

i don't have any friends and I've made some peace with it. Some days this would make me feel so empty. I want just one friend that i can talk to or do something together are that to much to ask for - really?

I have had one friend from school days that i have always thought that we would always be close, but after 16 years of friendship, where i would do anything in my power to be there for her when she need me, but when i needed her in my darkest hour in 2010 she have just vanished - no i wonder was that ever a friendship at all?

Some days i thought to myself do i even fit in a society like this? Maybe i should have been born in an era before......

I have decided to paint my nails with a semicolon.  To show the importance of the semicolon movement "my story isn't over yet" and "i'm still breathing"

semicolon nail art

I want to say to those of you that are in this situation YOUR story isn't over yet, choose LIFE instead!

Keep breathing,

*pseudonym was used in writing this post, since the names mentioned here are related to real people and i din't consult with them while i was writing this and not someone that have been mentioned have passed away. 


  1. Thank you, Leanie, for writing about this important topic. Depression and other mental illnesses have hit my family hard. I hope for more research and maybe some day a cure. I hope you are doing well now.

    1. Some days are better than others, but i try to focus on the little great things instead of all the bad things in my life. On the days when i feel blue i try to watch a movie on YouTube that give me some inspiration to give me a motivation of not giving up when things do look grimm. Thank you for the comment and i hope that your family members that are going through this will feel better with time. It's a tough road to walk..

  2. This is a very personal post and I want to thank you so much for sharing!

    1. Thank you for commenting and i can tell you that we all would come across someone that will suffer from depression at some point in their life. Be the listening ear for that person.